Go Fanboy - Everyone Has A Favorite

Do your hate yourself? Like absolutely, profoundly, hate yourself? If so, WALL-E should only cost you about twenty dollars and offers hours upon hours of sheer unimaginable horror! WALL-E the video game is based loosely (meaning entire segments have been added or removed altogether) off the spectacular same-titled movie. While the movie was typically praised by all audiences, the game however probably only appeals to two: uninformed parents, and achievement whores.

Now, understandably I do not belong to WALL-E's target audience of young children. Yet after completely finishing this game, I can acknowledge that those young children will have a near impossible chance of doing the same. WALL-E is difficult, so frustrating in fact that it took me around twelve hours to finish a Disney game. Though the game was likely intended to be easy for children, the broken mechanics and idiotic physics result in an alternate affair. Plenty of instant kill traps await players, as well as piles of enemies in later levels which seem to drastically vary in difficulty. Pathetically, one of the few oddball mechanics is magnetism; WALL-E can stick to walls in order to get to previously unreachable areas. But it doesn't work. Ever. When attempting the “finish a level without dying” achievements, I would make it to a magnetic section, be playing only as meant to; then get randomly launched off a platform for no explained reason. Fantastic, way to go THQ.

While the majority of WALL-E involves you playing as WALL-E himself, the other portions playing as “EVE” are almost enjoyable. Taking a break from typical platforming, EVE can fly around levels quickly and always carries a gun. These levels consist of races, mini-games, and other boring nonsense to take up time. I suppose these parts appear relaxing as they are easier, and not “as” bad in comparison. Initially a series of tunnel-racing segments seem like a relief from everything else; you eventually come to realize the atrocity that is WALL-E's camera angles. Many times will the camera result in a random death, near death, or potential real life suicide. Also problematic are the controls of both characters; WALL-E is unresponsive, and EVE is incapable of moving quick enough to dodge many obstacles.

Audio is just as bad as one can imagine. Music is repetitive, and just downright bothersome; primarily levels meant to be “intense” coming off as stressful and a tad overboard. Sound is bland and uninspired, never once provoking any real emotions par from hatred. Graphics provide the same neutrality as the audio. Though being released in early 2008, I often checked my Xbox 360 to make sure it was in fact a current gen console. Despite beginning WALL-E with a full understanding it is a “movie game,” this should not be an excuse for mediocrity. Or as I call it, complete failure in every aspect a Video Game could ever reach.

Its been a while since I have hated a Video Game. With the only other recent memory being Shrek the Third or Big Bumpin. No moment throughout the game did I feel anything close to enjoyment, and not many games can literally upset my stomach from just being “that” bad. Parents: please do not purchase WALL-E for a son or daughter. They will not beat the game, they will hate this game. Achievement whores, you can complete this game; just know that it’s a long and painful time. In the end, WALL-E only proves old logic. Movies very rarely make good video games, or perhaps companies simply don't even bother to try.